Godforsaken
by zoopdedo
Summary: Thoughts begin to sprout in Stevens mind, all happening to involve his dearly admired mother. So, why not consult his room for comfort?


**My God.** **I am so sorry for making this.**

 **-'-,{}**

* * *

"Pearl, would you rather be hugging my mom right now?"

"Garnet, what would happen if I got seriously injured?"

"Amethyst, do you miss my mom?"

The same response came with every question asked. Clenched teeth, eyes staring out into the void, reassuringly bogus words, fake grins, and hastened movements in order to quickly dissociate themselves from me. They'd always leave smiling, striding confidently away with their heads up high while perhaps humming a jolly tune.

But then came midnight, and I saw them.

1:03 am: Emerging from the temple, Pearl's eyes bloodshot as she stumbled out the screen door.

2:29 am: Amethyst on all fours, hair working as a mask while she barreled through the door, sobs following and fading away as she furthered away.

3:00 am: Garnet walking in a supposedly calm form, her appearance continuously glitching all the way out.

What to do, what to do, what to _do_. Peridot proved to be no help, continuously insisting that she was obliged to the development of her machines inside the locked bathroom. Connie was no doubt asleep, as was Lars, Sadie, Peedee, and everyone else.

And Lion –disappeared as usual.

But then, a hopeful thought. Scrunched up on my bed, clock showing 3:34am, I rolled up my shirt and put a hand to the warm gem. The indigence for the comfort, never failing to encompass me in its warmth.

"I want to go to a place for myself."

I sat up abruptly, heart skipping a beat as the pink glow shined throughout the room. Rushing out from under the covers, I quickly staggered down the stairs and into the door, glancing back as to only watch the door slide shut.

Stunning as the room stood, no surprise there. An endless fog of fluff and an eternal shimmering sunset. And, to my glee, an old friend.

"Aroooo!"

"Tiny Floating Whale!" I cried happily, enveloping the creature into a hug. She smiled, allowing the embrace. "Oh man! I'm so glad you're here! I could really use some help right now."

The whale floated out from my arms, looking at me with an unreadable expression. "Aro?"

"Are you sure you want to hear it?"

She only continued to stare at me.

"Well," proceeding anyway, "…it's…it's the gems. I know I should've realized it before –and I think I did actually!" I paused to chortle for a moment, the confession bringing a sick feeling to my stomach. "But, they miss my mom. And I think they'd rather have her than me."

I scrunched up at the whale, perhaps an ancient gaze in the small creature reflecting off.

"Ya, I know it's –it's stupid and all," I began rocking back and forth on the heels of my feet. "But…what do you think?" I hesitantly probed.

She was silent, and I uncomfortably looked down and decided staring at my feet was better than keeping the gaze of the ancient creature. It was strange, my feet were connecting, but not exactly sinking through the water that stood as the flooring. Peculiar that I had never noticed this before. As if all of this was actually a dream or–

"Tell me Steven," she spoke, a wisp of air suddenly blew, forcing my gaze back up to the floating whale. She hovered closer to me. "What do you want?"

What _did_ I want? Magically make the gems forget about my mom? Make them stop caring about her? Or perhaps just give up myself and let Mom come back. Then, and only then, would they be truly happy.

"But would they Steven?" if it was possible for whales to frown, she would be doing that right now. "Would they find happiness through your demise?"

"That's…" I sputtered, wrapping my head around her words. "That's all they want! They all stood for her, protected her, and –and _loved_ her! And they still do! I know they blame me for her being gone, I just _know_ it!"

"But they love you too Steven."

"Agh!" I squeezed my watering eyes shut, clenching my hands to the side of my head. "So what if that's what they say!? It's probably just some dusty promise they made to my mom before she _died_! It'll never matter! They'll never actually love me because it's my fault she's gone!"

"It's not your fault Steve-"

"Yes it _IS_!"

Silence. A new hush enveloped the entire area after my last cry was declared. Looking up, I discovered myself to be alone.

"What is it you want Steven?" her words repeated, echoing throughout the chamber with a seemingly tired voice. I took in a deep breath, sliding the back of my hand across my leaking nose. A final decision was made.

Posture straight, throat cleared.

"I want to see my mom."

Almost at once, a swirl of clouds began to form in front of me, twirling majestically as it grew in height. Taller and taller until it finally came to a halt, sliding off the now clouded figure. But –there was something familiar about the form. The large curled hair, warm smile, sparkling grin, tan skin, round features…

"…"

"No…way…" I breathed, a similar starry-eyed smile already spreading across my features. All the stress and dread that had been heavily gathering in my chest throughout the past weeks just –dissipated.

"Steven?"

"Mom!" I cried, already rushing to her and nearly stumbling over my own feet. Confusion, surprise, and finally pure and utter joy seemed to cross her expression as she too hurried forward, lifting the ghostly white dress in order for her to run faster. I opened my arms, and she extended her embrace. Salted rain made its way down as were finally joined.

And I was laughing, and crying along with her. I buried my head into her shoulder while grasping with white knuckles onto her dress, relishing that sweet sensation of _her_. The warmth of her arms squeezed tightly around me, as if I would disappear within a blink of an eye. Her hand was smothering around my head, the other wrapped around my torso.

"Oh _Steven_ ," her hoarse whisper, fresh with a new layer of emotions. I looked up, smiling as her hands came to cup the sides of my face. The tenderness of every touch, every stroke. "How did this –how did you-"

"It's…it's really you! You're my mom! I –I don't…this is great! Now you can come see Pearl and –and Garnet and Amethyst! Oh! And don't forget Dad! Then we can all go and get doughnuts and hotdogs, play at the carnival, visit the Cool Kids, hang out at that illegal wrestling place, and then I can show you the new songs I've been learning!"

She laughed, shaking her head and bringing me back into her embrace. "Songs? You mean you've been creating music like your father?"

I nodded my head fiercely, letting out a muffled "Ya!" through her clothing.

"Oh that's wonderful!" she loosened her hold on me, instead opting to create a small couch with a flick of her hand. Sitting, she patted her lap with a smile. I happily obliged, attempting to climb onto her knees until she gave a hearty chuckle and lifted me with ease. Settling back onto her plush torso, I gave a happy sigh as she began to rub her hands through my hair.

"Tell me _everything_."

An _implausible_ dream come true.

So with those three words uttered, I spoke. From recent adventures with Connie to the most dangerous missions with the Gems. Details and imagery, spewing with descriptions of Peridot and Lapis that would suddenly switch to Sadie and Lars. The Big Doughnut would then morph into a topic about rocket ships and Pearl, then switch to Jasper and Malachite. But at the feeling of her tenseness, as if probing at a difficult subject, the topic would be changed to Magical Moss, beautifully bloomed on the perfect summer sunset. The tune to Jam Buddies jokingly sang and Steven and the Steven's compared to Steven and the Crystal Gems.

Beach-A-Palooza, Golf Quest Mini, Meat Beat Mania, Lion, Dogcopter, Giant Fighting Robots. From every little detail came a massive depiction, words nearly bursting with color and pictures.

Minutes, conceivably hours flew by. My throat would occasionally feel parched, but she would just summon a glass of water.

For some reason –I was able to drink it.

But she listened to every word spoken. She watched every emphasized hand gesture with concentration. Interpreting and mapping out every detail said. I'd glance up every few minutes, finding the same dreamy-gazed expression while gazing back down at me. Her responses were limited, sometimes an amused "oh?" while other times being a warming hum.

"…so then, I sent my underwear to attack Frybo. Thus saving Beach City –once again."

"Oh ho, you did what!?" she was fighting to contain her laugh, and we both found ourselves with red faces, snickering until finally bursting with bubbles of laughter. I nearly rolled off her lap from the force of my snort, saved luckily by her quick reflexes.

"But I…did!" continuing between breaths, struggling to catch my breathing. "And then P-Peedee's dad gave Frybo a ceremonial Viking honor!"

We both roared with laughter, the cackles mostly derived from happiness then the actual event itself. After a good minute of nonstop hooting, she began wiping the tears from her eyes and wheezed for breathe. I too, followed her lead.

"Oh my Steven! What an incredible boy you are."

"Aw geez," I waved her off. "You're making me blush mom!"

Mom. Such a foreign word to my tongue.

"Charming and modest," she grinned, winking. "The ladies will be all over you sooner or later."

I looked away, feeling my cheeks flush. "Mom!"

"Who was the young lady now, hmmm…" she began to tap the bottom of her chin thoughtfully. "Ah yes! Cooooonnie?"

"Stttooop Mooooommmm!" I groaned, covering my face with my hands. "Were just friends!"

"I'm just teasing silly boy," she chuckled, unexpectedly planting a kiss on my head. Her hands remained around me, know tucking me in closer to her torso. Muscles serving as a soft and temperate cushion, I found myself letting out a deep yawn.

"So when are we going to see the Gems?" glancing up and blinking sleepily.

Her smile wavered for a moment. "Hmmmm, as soon as you get some sleep. You've been up all night haven't you?"

"How'dya know?"

A chuckle, replying with a simple, "A mother knows these sort of things."

"Mm'kay," I shrugged, accepting the answer. My eyelids were growing dangerously heavy, the warmth of her body making my mind perilously drowsy. I shook my head, forcing the drooping eyes awake.

"Sleep Steven," her honeymilk voice urging me on, immediately relaxing my tensed shoulders.

"I'm not tired though!" I tried, attempting to push away from her hypnotizing warmth. "Really! Let's talk about…*yawns*…other stuff…"

She merely pulled me back, this time cradling me into the crook of her arms. With a smirk, she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, bringing on another accursed yawn.

"Steven. The Gems love you. The reason they don't love you like me is because you are _**you**_ Steven. You're not _**me**_. If you could only see their thoughts, feel the intense amount of love and devotion they have to you," a pause as she closed her eyes, taking in a breathe. " _Oh_ Steven, don't ever doubt them. No matter what they say, or what they do." Her eyes fluttered open. "Okay?"

I nodded subconsciously, lifting a hand to take hold of hers.

"Wonderful," she hummed, gripping my hand back. "Goodnight Steven. "

" 'Night," I managed to mumble. "D'ove ya."

"I love you too."

Another kiss was felt before finally drifting off into the world of slumber.

 **-'-,-{}**

 **/**

 **\**

 **{}-'-,-**

He was –cold.

Groggy and disoriented from the early morning lights, he slowly opened his eyes, adhering to his surroundings. In front of him, the Crystal Warp. To the right, the bathroom, a life form's shuffling faintly being heard from behind the door. To the left, the kitchen. Behind him –

The Temple Door.

"M-mom?" he sat up quickly, ignoring the ache in his back. "Mom!" He pounded a fist onto the solid door, standing and throwing another. "Mom! C'mon! Open up! Come out!" His shouts turned from yells, to pleads, and finally rested on almost pitiful whimpers.

Because he remembered.

"Please no! _Please!_ "

He remembered not only the dream, but how the door refused to open the night before. How in a storm of rage, he had punched mercilessly at it until his knuckles turned purple and red from the desperation. How after completely losing hope, he had sunk to his knees and fell onto his side, apparently passing out from exhaustion.

"Please..."

And so the boy, with a final worthless slap at the door, desolately lowered his head, every moment of the harsh reality weighing his neck farther and farther down until his forehead finally met the chilly wooden floor.

Eyes closed, and face ethereal calm, Steven began to cry.

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 **.-.**


End file.
